Building Classroom Relationships: The Social/Emotional Environment
Marilee Sprenger
Tammy storms into my room. She is visibly upset and makes it known when she throws her books on the desk and they tumble off. She plops into her seat, arms crossed, legs straight. The students turn to me with wondering eyes. They are wondering what I am going to do about this disruption, what is wrong with Tammy, and how this may affect them.
Situations like this are not commonplace. I know that my behavior in this circumstance can affect many relationships. My relationship with Tammy as well as my relationship with every child in my classroom. If I allow my need for power and control to take over, students may not feel free to express their emotions.
I don’t like my classroom disrupted, especially in this manner. I like having some semblance of control. Am I losing it because this student dares to behave so inappropriately? Do I need to show all my students that I have rules and expectations? Is this a time to set an example?
I walk over to Tammy’s desk, kneel down and pick up her books. In a very quiet voice I say, “You look very upset. Something important must have happened.” I remain kneeling which allows Tammy to look down at me. In this way, she can access her feelings. (Payne, 1998, Sprenger, 2003)
Tammy looks at me intently and then begins to tell her story. Tears fall as she expresses her sentiments over an incident that occurred at lunch. When she finishes and is calmer, I suggest that she go to the restroom and wash her face.
I stand and look at my class. The students smile, nod, and quickly are back on task. Another day. Another situation resolved.
Like every teacher, this is only one of the hundreds of judgments I made every day. Creating an environment where students can express their feelings is one of several steps on the way to an emotionally intelligent classroom. Modeling emotional intelligence by handling situations in a way that empowers all students is necessary to build and maintain relationships.
Emotional Intelligence Leads to Learning
Since Daniel Goleman’s (1995) groundbreaking work on emotional intelligence, an awareness of meeting the social and emotional needs of our students has grown. In more recent work, Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee (2002) have streamlined the approach to this intelligence. It has been labeled as four basic competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. One competency leads to another. Providing an atmosphere for students to have experiences that build these competencies can have a great effect on the classroom.
Self-awareness.
This element of Emotional Intelligence means simply to have an understanding of one’s feelings, i.e., to be able to label and understand an emotion that you are feeling. This extends to knowing strengths and weaknesses as well as how one is motivated.
A self-aware student will be able to motivate herself, reflect on her emotions and behaviors, and make decisions based on knowledge of personal satisfaction. Activities to promote self-awareness may include
This aspect of emotional intelligence involves the ability to monitor oneself. In so doing, a student has the ability to control inappropriate emotions. Since emotions are contagious, it is vital to the classroom climate that our students develop this capacity. It is also important that teachers and administrators manage their own emotions as an example of how this is done. Included in self-management are impulse control, self-motivation, and goal setting.
The students are working on team projects. Goal setting and impulse control have been my priorities with this “leap before you look” sixth grade class. Each team is gathered around a computer as they put the finishing touches on their slide presentations.
I hear raised voices from the far corner. I gaze over and observe two of the team members in heated discussion. Slowly, I approach the team, not wanting to interfere unless I have to.
Team leader, Amy, has her hands on her hips as she speaks to our newest student, Phillip. I don’t think he has had much cooperative training, and I realize that this will be an interesting opportunity to see if these students have internalized the EQ work we have been doing.
“You can’t just reach in and change a slide without talking about it!” Amy declares.
“Well, I think it needs to be changed, and we don’t have a lot of time,” Phil responds.
“This is group work,” Amy insists. “There are things I want to change, too, but I have to wait and see what the team decides. It’s going to take more time if we change it back and forth. Don’t you get that?”
Phil mumbles, “I suppose, but I think that slide is going to look dumb.”
“Okay,” Amy says. “Does anyone else agree?” Several hands are raised. “Then let’s listen to all the ideas before we change it.”
The students settle down to work. Their goal is clear. Their impulses in check. Once a student is aware of her emotions, managing becomes a priority. Here are ways to encourage self-management in the classroom:
· Journaling (According to Restak (2000) journaling gives us a feeling of control)
· Short –term goal setting
· Modeling good self-management of your own emotions and sharing your strategy
· Teaching students basic coping skills
Social Awareness.
As a middle school teacher for many years, this area of intelligence was sometimes obvious and painful. Observing students trying to find their social position in the class and seeing heartbreak when some were excluded was difficult to handle. Social awareness includes the ability to be empathic. The ability to walk in someone else’s shoes is a skill that leads us to handling relationships and living in our world peacefully. The chaos of finding one’s place can be overwhelming.
According to Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese’s research in their book Cliques (2001), our students fall into one of four social categories.
The most obvious of course, is the Popular group. These are the students who may be attractive, athletic, and affluent. Setting the stage for what is “in,” these students comprise about 35% of the student population. The emotional issue with this particular group is that popularity isn’t necessarily permanent. These kids may be worrying about how to keep their social status.
Another category, making up about 10% of the population, is the Fringe group. These students sometimes get to hang out with the Popular group, but often are left behind. This social position seems to please them enough to put up with the times they are not included. As a result, these kids are never sure whether they are popular or not. Modeling themselves after the Popular group, but not knowing exactly where they belong, is an emotional issue for them.
The third category is called Friendship Circles. These are small groups of students who are good friends. They realize they are not popular, but they have each other and appear to be content with that. These groups make up about 45% of the population and seem to feel pretty good about themselves.
Finally, we have the Loners. The 10% of the kids who have few or no friends at all make up this cluster. The Loners may be bright, ambitious, and light years ahead of their peers, or they may have poor social skills and difficult to be around. Although these students would possibly like to be a part of a group, they are simply not accepted. Sometimes these kids may be bitter about their social situation and may even lash out.
According to this research, only 45% of our students feel confident in their social/emotional position in school. The place to discover cliques in your school is to visit the cafeteria at lunchtime. A social stratum plays itself out as students discover who they may or may not eat with. To set up an emotionally intelligent environment, all of these students must be able to interact with each other and respect each difference and gift. Empathy plays a large part in this ability. Modeling and allowing students the opportunity to empathize become imperative.
My nine year old Sheltie is very ill and I have to have her “put to sleep” by the vet. I arrange to take her and stay for the procedure early one morning while my first hour class is in the library. After the emotional ordeal, I return to school. I stop by the office and tell the administrators that I have indeed returned. My eyes are red from crying, but I know I can manage my emotions in my classroom.
One of my colleagues expresses her sympathy and then as a reminder says, “Don’t let those kids see you cry!”
I nod and walk despondently down the hall. When I reach the library door, I feel an enormous sadness and some anger at what my coworker had said. First of all, can’t I express my emotions? Wouldn’t my students think that I am heartless if I weren’t upset? And isn’t this an excellent opportunity to teach empathy?
I enter the room and all eyes are on me.
“You’re here!” says one of the girls.
“Are you sick?” another asks.
“No,” I reply. “ I just had a very sad experience.” I explain the reason for my tardiness.
“My cat had to be put to sleep, Mrs. Sprenger,” Nancy offers. “I felt really bad.”
“I’m sure you did,” I acknowledge.
“It’s just a dumb animal,” Brett announces.
I look at Brett and the students look at me. “Have you ever had a pet?” I ask.
“Yeah, we got a dog. He sleeps in my room,” Brett shares.
“So, don’t you think you would feel sad if something happened to your dog?” one of the boys asks. “Wouldn’t you miss him sleeping in your room? Doesn’t he make you feel safe?”
The students begin to dialogue about loss. Brett sits quietly until the conversation ends with the bell. He walks over to me on his way out the door. “I’m sorry, Mrs. S., I guess I didn’t really think about how it would feel. I’d be upset, just like you.”
Two lessons were begun that day. First, the students were able to put themselves in my shoes and understand how I was feeling. Second, they recognized my feelings and saw that I could manage them.
Some ways to encourage social awareness:
Resolving disagreements, motivating others, and other leadership skills fall under this area. Once a student is able to recognize her emotions, handle those feelings, and recognize other’s emotions, she is equipped to work with the diverse populations we see in our classes.
Stability will be the keyword in our schools when our students have the democratic expertise as they interact with those both in and out of their social group. Teamwork is the means to high productivity, and good team members have group skills and rapport skills. (Sprenger, 2003) These must be taught.
· Teach compromise through role play
· Practice and model appropriate meeting skills
· Students must know that teasing is not tolerated anywhere in school or the classroom
· Offer situations in which student groups must solve problems. Help them see that group members have different areas of expertise to assist in the solution.
Emotional Coaching
The social emotional environment makes the difference between a class that runs smoothly with students maintaining high productivity and levels of learning, and a class where problems arise continually that must always be solved by the teacher. Emotional coaching may appear to focus only on personal areas, but its impact on learning will present itself. Guiding students through the four competencies will bring an improvement in classroom management, achievement levels, and self-directed learning.
It is Friday. In an effort to promote social and emotional growth among the pupils, several of the teachers eat lunch with them once a week. We are dismayed to see the social situation play itself out in the cafeteria, and we hope our presence and acceptance of everyone will be a good example.
We each sit with our respective classes. Since we began this ritual on Fridays, we notice that the seating arrangement changes - but so far, only on Fridays. Each class has determined their own "territory" and most students from each grade occupy one very long table. The teachers try to sit with the loners, who are seated at one end. Our wish is that the others will see them as more acceptable. Out of curiosity, the popular kids tend to move down by us. (Which of course, brings the fringe kids as well. The friendship circles stay pretty much where they are unless they arrive early and decide to see what is going on)
I make every attempt to begin conversations with the "outsiders" about topics that will later relate to our unit of study and then pull in the students who are part of a group. It actually works quite well, and we teachers try to reinforce the comments of the students who are not normally accepted. Then the strategy is to carry that topic into the classroom and continue the conversation among all of the students being certain to ask for the opinions or contributions of the students who are usually not heard.
Acknowledging all of the students' feelings and opinions paid off. We saw results in the interaction of the students, particularly when they did cooperative group work. Those who rarely participated in class discussion also began to speak up a little bit more.
The emotional intelligent classroom will be comfortable and highly interactive. Students will be able to give and receive feedback in a non-threatening environment. Feedback is directly related to raising achievement, and according to Marzano, Norford, Paynter, pickering, and Gaddy (2001), some researchers believe that "providing feedback is the most powerful thing that a classroom teacher can do to enhance student achievement." (p. 185)
Harry Wong (2003) refers to cooperative learning groups as support groups. Learning with the support of your peers as well as the teacher creates an atmosphere where learning and reflection are positive and fulfilling experiences. It is through the emotional intelligence arena that students will feel supported by their classmates.
Building relationships by teaching emotional intelligence strategies will lead us to classrooms that are conducive to meeting the needs of our diverse populations. The human touch of encouraging communication and rapport will improve the student/teacher and student/student relationships.
Giannetti, C. & M. Sagarese. (2001). Cliques. Broadway Books.
Goleman, D, Boyatzis, R. and McKee, A. (2002). Primal Leadership, Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Harvard Business School Press.
Marzano, RJ., Norford, J., Paynter, D., Pickering, D.J., & Gaddy, B. (2001). Handbook for Classroom Instruction that Works. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.
Payne, R. (1998). A Framework for Understanding Poverty. Highlands, TX: RFT Publishing.
Restak, Richard. (2000). Mysteries of the Mind. Washington, D.C.: National Geographic.
Sprenger, Marilee. (2003). Differentiation through Learning Styles and Memory. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Press.
Wong, Harry. (2003). The Wong Way to Effective Teaching. Presentation in Peoria, Illinois.
Marilee Sprenger
Tammy storms into my room. She is visibly upset and makes it known when she throws her books on the desk and they tumble off. She plops into her seat, arms crossed, legs straight. The students turn to me with wondering eyes. They are wondering what I am going to do about this disruption, what is wrong with Tammy, and how this may affect them.
Situations like this are not commonplace. I know that my behavior in this circumstance can affect many relationships. My relationship with Tammy as well as my relationship with every child in my classroom. If I allow my need for power and control to take over, students may not feel free to express their emotions.
I don’t like my classroom disrupted, especially in this manner. I like having some semblance of control. Am I losing it because this student dares to behave so inappropriately? Do I need to show all my students that I have rules and expectations? Is this a time to set an example?
I walk over to Tammy’s desk, kneel down and pick up her books. In a very quiet voice I say, “You look very upset. Something important must have happened.” I remain kneeling which allows Tammy to look down at me. In this way, she can access her feelings. (Payne, 1998, Sprenger, 2003)
Tammy looks at me intently and then begins to tell her story. Tears fall as she expresses her sentiments over an incident that occurred at lunch. When she finishes and is calmer, I suggest that she go to the restroom and wash her face.
I stand and look at my class. The students smile, nod, and quickly are back on task. Another day. Another situation resolved.
Like every teacher, this is only one of the hundreds of judgments I made every day. Creating an environment where students can express their feelings is one of several steps on the way to an emotionally intelligent classroom. Modeling emotional intelligence by handling situations in a way that empowers all students is necessary to build and maintain relationships.
Emotional Intelligence Leads to Learning
Since Daniel Goleman’s (1995) groundbreaking work on emotional intelligence, an awareness of meeting the social and emotional needs of our students has grown. In more recent work, Goleman, Boyatzis, and McKee (2002) have streamlined the approach to this intelligence. It has been labeled as four basic competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management. One competency leads to another. Providing an atmosphere for students to have experiences that build these competencies can have a great effect on the classroom.
Self-awareness.
This element of Emotional Intelligence means simply to have an understanding of one’s feelings, i.e., to be able to label and understand an emotion that you are feeling. This extends to knowing strengths and weaknesses as well as how one is motivated.
A self-aware student will be able to motivate herself, reflect on her emotions and behaviors, and make decisions based on knowledge of personal satisfaction. Activities to promote self-awareness may include
- Role play
- Emotional Word Walls
- Reading My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss to associate colors with feelings. Students may then choose a color to describe their current emotions.
- As you take attendance ask the students to rate their mood on a 1-10 scale.
- Ask students to give a "Whether" report. That is, describe whether they're feeling cloudy, sunny, or stormy.
This aspect of emotional intelligence involves the ability to monitor oneself. In so doing, a student has the ability to control inappropriate emotions. Since emotions are contagious, it is vital to the classroom climate that our students develop this capacity. It is also important that teachers and administrators manage their own emotions as an example of how this is done. Included in self-management are impulse control, self-motivation, and goal setting.
The students are working on team projects. Goal setting and impulse control have been my priorities with this “leap before you look” sixth grade class. Each team is gathered around a computer as they put the finishing touches on their slide presentations.
I hear raised voices from the far corner. I gaze over and observe two of the team members in heated discussion. Slowly, I approach the team, not wanting to interfere unless I have to.
Team leader, Amy, has her hands on her hips as she speaks to our newest student, Phillip. I don’t think he has had much cooperative training, and I realize that this will be an interesting opportunity to see if these students have internalized the EQ work we have been doing.
“You can’t just reach in and change a slide without talking about it!” Amy declares.
“Well, I think it needs to be changed, and we don’t have a lot of time,” Phil responds.
“This is group work,” Amy insists. “There are things I want to change, too, but I have to wait and see what the team decides. It’s going to take more time if we change it back and forth. Don’t you get that?”
Phil mumbles, “I suppose, but I think that slide is going to look dumb.”
“Okay,” Amy says. “Does anyone else agree?” Several hands are raised. “Then let’s listen to all the ideas before we change it.”
The students settle down to work. Their goal is clear. Their impulses in check. Once a student is aware of her emotions, managing becomes a priority. Here are ways to encourage self-management in the classroom:
· Journaling (According to Restak (2000) journaling gives us a feeling of control)
· Short –term goal setting
· Modeling good self-management of your own emotions and sharing your strategy
· Teaching students basic coping skills
Social Awareness.
As a middle school teacher for many years, this area of intelligence was sometimes obvious and painful. Observing students trying to find their social position in the class and seeing heartbreak when some were excluded was difficult to handle. Social awareness includes the ability to be empathic. The ability to walk in someone else’s shoes is a skill that leads us to handling relationships and living in our world peacefully. The chaos of finding one’s place can be overwhelming.
According to Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese’s research in their book Cliques (2001), our students fall into one of four social categories.
The most obvious of course, is the Popular group. These are the students who may be attractive, athletic, and affluent. Setting the stage for what is “in,” these students comprise about 35% of the student population. The emotional issue with this particular group is that popularity isn’t necessarily permanent. These kids may be worrying about how to keep their social status.
Another category, making up about 10% of the population, is the Fringe group. These students sometimes get to hang out with the Popular group, but often are left behind. This social position seems to please them enough to put up with the times they are not included. As a result, these kids are never sure whether they are popular or not. Modeling themselves after the Popular group, but not knowing exactly where they belong, is an emotional issue for them.
The third category is called Friendship Circles. These are small groups of students who are good friends. They realize they are not popular, but they have each other and appear to be content with that. These groups make up about 45% of the population and seem to feel pretty good about themselves.
Finally, we have the Loners. The 10% of the kids who have few or no friends at all make up this cluster. The Loners may be bright, ambitious, and light years ahead of their peers, or they may have poor social skills and difficult to be around. Although these students would possibly like to be a part of a group, they are simply not accepted. Sometimes these kids may be bitter about their social situation and may even lash out.
According to this research, only 45% of our students feel confident in their social/emotional position in school. The place to discover cliques in your school is to visit the cafeteria at lunchtime. A social stratum plays itself out as students discover who they may or may not eat with. To set up an emotionally intelligent environment, all of these students must be able to interact with each other and respect each difference and gift. Empathy plays a large part in this ability. Modeling and allowing students the opportunity to empathize become imperative.
My nine year old Sheltie is very ill and I have to have her “put to sleep” by the vet. I arrange to take her and stay for the procedure early one morning while my first hour class is in the library. After the emotional ordeal, I return to school. I stop by the office and tell the administrators that I have indeed returned. My eyes are red from crying, but I know I can manage my emotions in my classroom.
One of my colleagues expresses her sympathy and then as a reminder says, “Don’t let those kids see you cry!”
I nod and walk despondently down the hall. When I reach the library door, I feel an enormous sadness and some anger at what my coworker had said. First of all, can’t I express my emotions? Wouldn’t my students think that I am heartless if I weren’t upset? And isn’t this an excellent opportunity to teach empathy?
I enter the room and all eyes are on me.
“You’re here!” says one of the girls.
“Are you sick?” another asks.
“No,” I reply. “ I just had a very sad experience.” I explain the reason for my tardiness.
“My cat had to be put to sleep, Mrs. Sprenger,” Nancy offers. “I felt really bad.”
“I’m sure you did,” I acknowledge.
“It’s just a dumb animal,” Brett announces.
I look at Brett and the students look at me. “Have you ever had a pet?” I ask.
“Yeah, we got a dog. He sleeps in my room,” Brett shares.
“So, don’t you think you would feel sad if something happened to your dog?” one of the boys asks. “Wouldn’t you miss him sleeping in your room? Doesn’t he make you feel safe?”
The students begin to dialogue about loss. Brett sits quietly until the conversation ends with the bell. He walks over to me on his way out the door. “I’m sorry, Mrs. S., I guess I didn’t really think about how it would feel. I’d be upset, just like you.”
Two lessons were begun that day. First, the students were able to put themselves in my shoes and understand how I was feeling. Second, they recognized my feelings and saw that I could manage them.
Some ways to encourage social awareness:
- Subject areas such as social sciences and literature allow students to think about how others feel in certain situations. Give them the opportunity to discuss or journal about those feelings.
- Cartoon strips are an enjoyable way for students to recognize how someone might feel. They could create their own strips with similar conditions.
- Use simple phrases during dialogue like, “Do you see how he might feel about that?” or “How would you feel if that happened to you?”
Resolving disagreements, motivating others, and other leadership skills fall under this area. Once a student is able to recognize her emotions, handle those feelings, and recognize other’s emotions, she is equipped to work with the diverse populations we see in our classes.
Stability will be the keyword in our schools when our students have the democratic expertise as they interact with those both in and out of their social group. Teamwork is the means to high productivity, and good team members have group skills and rapport skills. (Sprenger, 2003) These must be taught.
· Teach compromise through role play
· Practice and model appropriate meeting skills
· Students must know that teasing is not tolerated anywhere in school or the classroom
· Offer situations in which student groups must solve problems. Help them see that group members have different areas of expertise to assist in the solution.
Emotional Coaching
The social emotional environment makes the difference between a class that runs smoothly with students maintaining high productivity and levels of learning, and a class where problems arise continually that must always be solved by the teacher. Emotional coaching may appear to focus only on personal areas, but its impact on learning will present itself. Guiding students through the four competencies will bring an improvement in classroom management, achievement levels, and self-directed learning.
It is Friday. In an effort to promote social and emotional growth among the pupils, several of the teachers eat lunch with them once a week. We are dismayed to see the social situation play itself out in the cafeteria, and we hope our presence and acceptance of everyone will be a good example.
We each sit with our respective classes. Since we began this ritual on Fridays, we notice that the seating arrangement changes - but so far, only on Fridays. Each class has determined their own "territory" and most students from each grade occupy one very long table. The teachers try to sit with the loners, who are seated at one end. Our wish is that the others will see them as more acceptable. Out of curiosity, the popular kids tend to move down by us. (Which of course, brings the fringe kids as well. The friendship circles stay pretty much where they are unless they arrive early and decide to see what is going on)
I make every attempt to begin conversations with the "outsiders" about topics that will later relate to our unit of study and then pull in the students who are part of a group. It actually works quite well, and we teachers try to reinforce the comments of the students who are not normally accepted. Then the strategy is to carry that topic into the classroom and continue the conversation among all of the students being certain to ask for the opinions or contributions of the students who are usually not heard.
Acknowledging all of the students' feelings and opinions paid off. We saw results in the interaction of the students, particularly when they did cooperative group work. Those who rarely participated in class discussion also began to speak up a little bit more.
The emotional intelligent classroom will be comfortable and highly interactive. Students will be able to give and receive feedback in a non-threatening environment. Feedback is directly related to raising achievement, and according to Marzano, Norford, Paynter, pickering, and Gaddy (2001), some researchers believe that "providing feedback is the most powerful thing that a classroom teacher can do to enhance student achievement." (p. 185)
Harry Wong (2003) refers to cooperative learning groups as support groups. Learning with the support of your peers as well as the teacher creates an atmosphere where learning and reflection are positive and fulfilling experiences. It is through the emotional intelligence arena that students will feel supported by their classmates.
Building relationships by teaching emotional intelligence strategies will lead us to classrooms that are conducive to meeting the needs of our diverse populations. The human touch of encouraging communication and rapport will improve the student/teacher and student/student relationships.
Giannetti, C. & M. Sagarese. (2001). Cliques. Broadway Books.
Goleman, D, Boyatzis, R. and McKee, A. (2002). Primal Leadership, Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence. Boston: Harvard Business School Press.
Marzano, RJ., Norford, J., Paynter, D., Pickering, D.J., & Gaddy, B. (2001). Handbook for Classroom Instruction that Works. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.
Payne, R. (1998). A Framework for Understanding Poverty. Highlands, TX: RFT Publishing.
Restak, Richard. (2000). Mysteries of the Mind. Washington, D.C.: National Geographic.
Sprenger, Marilee. (2003). Differentiation through Learning Styles and Memory. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Press.
Wong, Harry. (2003). The Wong Way to Effective Teaching. Presentation in Peoria, Illinois.
